


The Tales of Dumb Bitch City

by mari_suarez



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Gen, dumb bitches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 17:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15868365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mari_suarez/pseuds/mari_suarez
Summary: a story for me and my dumb bitch friends. i love y'all





	The Tales of Dumb Bitch City

Dumb Bitch City. The city of dumb bitches. The city where your stupidity is not scorned nor mocked, but rather accepted and sometimes even heralded. The ones that are our leaders and superiors are the dumbest bitches of them all. The ones who give the worst advice. The ones who propel Dumb Bitch City into further shame from other, more intellectual towns and counties and metropolises. But the dumb bitches of Dumb Bitch City simply don't care. They revel in their dumb bitchiness. They embrace their complete lack of common sense. They accept each other for each of their outstanding and abhorrent flaws. There is nothing to be done about their idiocy, so why not celebrate it?

Beth was once a dweller of Mildly Intelligent County. That was until she reached middle school and her teachers noticed she didn't know basic math. Even worse, because she didn't know what the fuck was going on in her classes, she just up and decided to not do her fucking work, the telltale signs of a plain dumb bitch. Beth's mother quickly withdrew her from school as soon as the teachers' suspicions wee raised and managed to keep her in Mildly Intelligent County until the age of eighteen. After years of living with her, Beth's mother could not bear to stand the constant bullshit that came out of her mouth and decided to send her to Dumb Bitch City.

"You listen here, Beth, okay? You're gonna go to Dumb Bitch City and go to agriculture school to learn how to farm corn," Beth's mother had told her. She believed it was the only thing that Beth was capable of doing.

"I don't know shit about farming," Beth had responded.

"Well, that's why you're gonna go to fucking school for it, you dumb bitch," her mother bit back, exasperated by her daughter's lack of common sense. "Your father and I are gonna provide the funds, so you just study hard so you can start a farm one day."

"I don't like studying, though."

"Yeah, that's what makes you a dumb bitch."

Beth nodded in agreement. After a day of packing up her belongings, she hopped on a train and made her way to Dumb Bitch City, forced to start her new life as a future farmer. She didn't even like corn. Why corn? She gazed out the windows the entire train ride, watching the dandelion fields of Mildly Intelligent County turn into the large, poorly constructed buildings of Dumb Bitch City. It would only be some dumb bitch's idea to put an agriculture school in a city, but that didn't even occur to Beth, because she, herself, was a dumb bitch.

Once she arrived in Dumb Bitch City's train station, the dumb bitch energy radiating from everyone at the station hit Beth like a brick and she immediately felt at home. Enough of being with the mildly intelligent losers, who looked down at her for not knowing long division. Who needs long division in the real world, anyway? Beth knew she would be okay with the borders of Dumb Bitch City, where she could acquaint herself with some other dumb bitches who might be able to relate to her woes about being a dumb bitch and the discrimination that comes with being a considerable percent stupider than everyone around you. She could, perhaps, finally make some friends. Someone she can call her bitches. Her dumb bitches.

Her mother had arranged an apartment for her because Beth a was broke dumb bitch who had never earned a cent for herself in her entire life, so she could not afford one on her own, especially in a place like Dumb Bitch City, where the property values are unnecessarily high even though all the buildings were laid out by dumb bitch architects who do not know how to make floor plans for shit and constructed by dumb bitch constructors who don't know the difference between a nut and a bolt.

Beth exited the station and hailed a taxi, giving the driver, the dumb bitch driver, the directions to her apartment building. Since the cab driver was a dumb bitch, she got lost several times throughout the city before finally making it to the correct apartment building. Beth took comfort in knowing that she would probably have done the same if she were a taxi driver.

She gave the dumb bitch driver a quick expression of gratitude after she helped her grab her things out of the trunk of the taxi before turning around and the facing the shitty building before her. This was it. She was beginning her new life as an agriculture student in Dumb Bitch City.

Beth entered the building and got lost looking for her room like the dumb bitch she is. As she was dumbly glancing around the hallway she was in, she spotted someone leaving their room out of the corner her eye. _I better ask for directions,_ she thought to herself before making her way over to the girl. "Excuse me?"

The girl turned around and raised and eyebrow at Beth, staring her up and down before bluntly saying, "What?"

"Can you help me find my room? I'm a bit lost," Beth asked sheepishly.

"Oh, yeah, sure. I ain't got nowhere to be," the girl said. "Are you new to Dumb Bitch City?"

"Yeah, I'm from Mildly Intelligent County. My parents are both mildly intelligent but I got the short end of the family tree stick and turned out to be a dumb bitch," Beth replied with a smile.

"Oh, yeah? How so?"

"I don't know basic math and I can't study for shit."

"Oh, man, same! Except instead of math I just don't know how to fucking read," she laughed in response. 

"Wow! That's amazing," Beth exclaimed.

"In Dumb Bitch City, it sure is. I'm Daddy Shamrock, but you can just call me Daddy. W+*-hat's your name?" The said, extending her hand for a fist bump, but I grabbed her fist instead like the dumb bitch I am. She didn't seem taken aback. The dumb bitches in Dumb Bitch City are probably used to it.

"I'm Beth," I responded.

"Nice to meet you, Beth. Now let me show you to your room? What's your room number?"

"Hold on." Beth took out her phone and read over the text her mom had sent her. "Room No. 255."

"Okay, follow me." And with that, Daddy began to lead the way down the hall and stopped in front of the elevator.

"So what made you decide to come to Dumb Bitch City?" Daddy asked, attempting to make small talk while we waited for the elevator to open.

"Oh, I didn't decide. My mom did. She wants me to become a corn farmer. I don't even like corn," Beth replied. The elevator dinged as the doors slid open, prompting the two girls to enter. Daddy hit the button for floor number two. Beth probably should have figure that out herself, but she was a dumb bitch without basic math skills or common sense.

"Why a corn farmer?"

"Probably so I can send her corn from time to time. She likes corn."

"I like corn," Daddy said. "Especially when it's grilled on the cob."

Beth wanted to say that that's fucking nasty, but she held her tongue because she needed fellow dumb bitch amigas.

The elevator dinged again and they arrived at the second floor. Daddy led Beth to Room 255 and stopped in front of the room, gesturing to it with one hand. "Here you are. Hope you get settled in quickly. Let me give you my phone number in case you need anything." Oh my gosh, this is what they call progress, right? Beth couldn't believe it. She was making a dumb bitch friend.

Daddy quickly typed in her phone number into Beth's phone before handing it back. "I'll see you around." And without even waiting for a response, Daddy walked off, back towards the elevator. Only a dumb bitch wouldn't know social manners and not wait for the other person to say bye back. But that's okay. Beth related to that dumb bitch social awkwardness.

And she had a feeling she would get along just fine in the great, wondrous Dumb Bitch City.


End file.
